I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
