And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
zippers are such a cool invention
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
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