I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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