allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
His nipple licking is glorious
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