They should really pass out barf bags in church
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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