do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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