I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
