I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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