So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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