I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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