mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
