Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
