My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
