Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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