The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
