I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
