Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
