True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
My dick has a subreddit
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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