remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
