my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Never joke about your clitoris.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
