I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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