I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
