I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
