I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Maybe he injected his testicle?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
