just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
