I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
