im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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