SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
