What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Randomize
