is your mom at the bar?
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
