if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize