Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
