She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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