The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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