hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
