Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
