No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
