I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
