Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
