Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
