Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
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