i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
