apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Randomize
