I haven't been this sober since birth.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize