What did we do last night that was yellow?
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I said "one day" and that day is not today
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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