eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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