Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
