I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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