you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
