i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
