Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize