I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
