There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
