I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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