Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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