I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize