i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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